i feel empty..

oooh... here we go again, doing another blog and you maybe; reading anther blog. i don't really know much on how i just boast out this words from my mind and heart, but right now i just feel so empty. the real reason? that, I'm still trying to work out. sometimes when i feel nothing, i know that something is wrong with me, i just don't know and right now i still doesn't know why. sometimes i just want to scream as loud as i can just to make me feel light on myself. well when i feel empty my heart feels like it's carrying a big load!

i know that the only thing that can make me feel so overflowing is God, how? well of course you really got to spend time with Him a lot and you should really obey every word that He's gonna say to you. in my case, i mean i do spend time with Him everyday. the problem with me is just I'm still not that sensitive enough with His voice, while I'm very familiar with my parents and friends voice, oooh i kinda feel guilty when i come to think of that. well actually that's one of the real thing God is the only one who can make you feel so overflowing, right now i just don't understand why this is happening to me.

it's like i want to bloat and be unconscious at the same time, it's like i want to tell myself to just don't feel anything anymore, so that i wouldn't be aware with the thing that is happening to me right now. with my last few blogs i shared there my outpourings and it's like in those things that i've written, i have all the answers, i mean i've got all the answers in those situations that i've shared. but this time i just can't find a good reason for this thing, and i don't even know what it's called.

sometimes i just don't understand myself anymore, sometimes i don't even know what i've become or what i will become. ooooh!! the truth is I'm kind of confused at the same time i feel like i do know the answers deep down inside, i just couldn't find the right moment to spill it out.

it's like my whole world is turning and turning but you would feel like the turning is not right, that it doesn't feel right all the time. that sometimes i just wanted to lie on the floor and close my eyes and just cry and cry until i popped my eyes out.

oooh.. I'm soooo confused..

i've learned something really important..

Well I'm back here at manila. it's been a really fast visit and vacation at my Grandparent's house back at Olongapo City. As i have said in my last few blogs that the reason why i went for a very all of a sudden visit, is because i want to run away from something etc. i have lot's of reasons actually; well i have already told it before and i just don't want to repeat it again. pretty as it sounds i'm kind of scared with what the people would ask me, about the reason of my runaway scheme. i'm scared on what they would think or what they would comment once they've come to know the real reason, or what would be their reaction on the said matter.

Before i left the house at my grandparent's, my uncle asked me "why did you visit here all of a sudden? are you hiding from someone back there at Manila?", then i quickly reacted and laughed hysterically and answered him, "why would i hide from someone?, i didn't do anything wrong.." after that my uncle just smiled and asked me "is it a WHO?" then i just really laughed out loud! as loud as i can and take note that was like 7:30 in the morning, then i just quickly said in a whisper mode.. "kind of.." well i didn't actually knew if he heard it, but at least he already dropped the issue once i became silent.

After that i just came to realize.. Wait! I'm gonna be back! then i asked myself, am i already alright about all things? am i already-ready to be back at my old life. then i took a moment at my room and just started to weigh things a little bit. i mean i told you sometimes i really get so attached on what's happening with me. then all of a sudden it just came to me that perhaps i can fight it this time, and this time i don't need to run away for long. then it was like my whole life flashed back within my eyes, and i saw all the fun moments that I've had, it's like i still have a lot of things that i can be happy and delighted about. *hey i'm not trying to get a scheme of suicide here ok?*-- i mean if i would just think about it, there's still a lot ahead of us, and we wouldn't really skip the times in where, we're really gonna be soooo down with ourselves and it's just part of life. life would be boring without those things that's gonna give you a reason to really push harder in life! and gonna give a reason to give up, but that's the time in where you're really gonna take the challenge. God wouldn't want something bad for us! i mean He loves us more than anything else!

You know what sometimes in life, God would really allow challenges to be brought up on you, and He only allows it because He knows that in the end you're gonna learn something really good, different, new and all sorts of stuff, He knows that in the end you're gonna get something good. plus take note God wouldn't allow it, if He knows that we can't handle it with ourselves. but sometimes you really have to take heart, you still need God of course, you can't just do it on your own, I'm telling you you can't do it on your own but only with God. you got to be dependent on Him, but of course you've got to move your own feet. i mean if you just let God really hold you and take care of you, believe me you wouldn't be lost even if you're in the middle of nowhere. i mean i really hope that you're getting the main point here. it shouldn't be always about you but, it has to be always about God.

That's one of the biggest things that I've learned during my runaway scheme. even though a lot of people have already told me about this stuff, I've only really applied it this time. and it really feels good. felling so safe and really secured with God is probably one of the best things that i have learned in this pretty life of mine, i mean, i already learned a lot, but that's gonna be another story..

i'm missing home

I miss home, but I’m not pretty sure..

I miss home, but I’m not pretty sure about the things that I’m missing the most or maybe the things that I’m missing the least. All I know is, I miss my mom and my dad, the laughter that we always make every time we stay at the house. Well that’s one reason, but I’m not really pretty sure what I’m really missing after that. But sometimes I just wanted to think, that when I go back to manila I wouldn’t see the person that I’m trying to get over with there. The reason why I went here at my grandparents to renew my mind and heart, to refresh myself, to find and get back myself again. Well I was just talking to my mom a while ago, I keep on trying not to ask about that person but it was just sudden that I asked about that person, and my mom just told about everything that happened there. Oh! Sometimes I just wanted to think that I really do hate myself. Don’t you ever thought about forgetting something? Instead of forgetting it you’re just only thinking about it more!

Sometimes I really just want to think that life isn’t really what you think it is, I hope you’re getting my point. Well it’s life! Sometimes you don’t want the reality, but sometimes you can still change reality even for a tiny bit! I don’t know sometimes I just wanted to know what ahead and what’s going to happen nest, but just as they say your life’s going to get boring once you know what’s next it’s like having no hope anymore, but some people say that’s when you get the chance to change the thing that’s gonna happen to you. Oh I don’t know but for this piece that I’m writing, I really wanted to know what’s gonna happen next once I return home.

Right now my mind is empty, and nothing else to say, but I know deep down inside of me there’s a lot more to say. I just don’t know what and how to start. Well I really do know is I miss home, it’s kind of getting boring here. I’ve just practiced myself that every time I have something in my heart, I usually run away from it. Well that’s one that you can find in me, when I just can’t take it anymore, or I’m kind of getting scared on what’s happening in my life I always run away from it. Even the things that is really good, I usually realize it when it’s gone. Then in the end I’m just gonna blame myself for letting something really good in my life to just let it disappear for me running away from it.

Just when it’s getting good I slowly start to freeze, just when it’s getting real I put my heart to sleep. It’s just this fear always comes over me, I just want someone to understand that I don’t mean to push him away from me, I mean why am I so afraid be crashed down, broken and lose my heart again. I don’t know I can’t clearly see what’s really up to me. It’s the way, the reason that I always doubt myself. I mean I just want everyone to understand that it’s no other thing but it’s what I do, just when I’m about to run, I’ve realized what I’ve become. Actually I’m really not sure if I really do miss home after all…

Just Like BEfore..

In a secret place there I stay, and I call it my hiding place

There you me find all alone, waiting for someone to say hello

There I made a promise, that whoever finds me in that place

Would be the person I can share all my secrets.

We became closer than close and wouldn’t want to loose any of those

Memories wed shared, and we call each other best friend.

We were enjoying each other that we wouldn’t even bother

Then someone came along, that make our friendship shorter

I was already bothered on what can happen, that maybe our friendship would

Turn into a den.

Now were losing each other, hate each other and wouldn’t want to see

Or take a glimpse with each other

All this time we didn’t realize that we can turn our friendship into cries.

But both of us are saying to ourselves that “friendship can make a way”

I turned my hiding place into a waiting room, and you made your own

So now were both inside a room both waiting again for someone but this time

To knock on the door.

But things didn’t turn the way we want it, no one knocked on the door

But someone made a bridge and a corridor.

So that we can open our doors and give a second chance on our friendship

Even though you turned that someone into your new best friend

I’m never gonna be offended

I’ll just ask one thing to you, to write my name in the list

Of your friends

I don’t care what rank I am or if I’m in the lowest

All I care is that our relationship would turn a little of just like before

That we would open our doors and again enjoy each other.

And who knows if fate allows it we can be and always will be,

“Just like before”

Why You?

When you want to ignore me just tell me,

And I’ll say nothing

Just tell me “why?”

Give me a good enough reason on

Why you’re doing this

The simple thing is just

I feel so down every time

you just make me so stupid

so stupid in saying that I’m not offended

every time you tease me

I know it’s one of your way to ignore me

And when you just do it

I just wanna break down

There is one saying that you’ll just have to let go

Let go all of your sweet memories, stolen memories

The thing is… it’s about setting you free and letting you go

When I’m just thinking of letting go

I just can’t help but shed into tears

When every time I see you

I just want to ask you “why?”

I know that I’m not that you’re special someone to be like this

But you’ve been a big part of this simple life of mine

But when you came along it’s not that simple anymore

It turned into a world full of butterflies and rainbows

If I can ask God just one question,

Why did I became like this just because of you?

I mean who are you to change me into something like this?

You’re the one who make me feel a lot sure about myself

You’re the one who taught me to have self esteem,

To be always on the go and not to be shy on myself,

To have a lot of confidence on myself……

All I just want to say is in the entire world….. “Why you?”

In Love...

Sa pag-ibig…. Ano nga ba ang mahirap gawin?

Siguro ang magpakasaya at ngumiti

Lalo na pag alam mong mawawala na siya

Pinipilit mong magpakasaya pero

Ang hirap talaga eh….

Mas lalong mahirap kung aalis na siya

Na di mo manlang nasasabi ang feelings

Mo para sa kanya….

Lalo na pag nasanay kang laging nandyan siya

Grabe… ang hirap talaga

Tinignan mo ang lugar na laging nandun siya

Tapos biglang na-realize mo,

“ay! Wala na nga pala siya…..”

Wala ka nang magawa kung hindi pangarapin

Na nandyan siya nakatingin sayo

Sabay ngiti niya abot hanggang tenga

Grabe! Gusto ko na ring mawala!

Naramdaman mo na ba yun?

Yung gusto mo nandun ka nung nasaan man siya?

Eh paano kung nasa ibang mundo na siya?

Ang labo noh?

Minsan ba sa posisyon mo sa pagmamahal

Nasabi mo na ba ang mga salitang

“gagawin ko ang lahat para sa kanya”

Eh paano kung sabihin niyang tumalon ka from

6^th flr. Gagawin mo parin ba?

Kaya mo pa ba yung ganon……

Siguro sa pag-ibig yun nga ang mahirap gawin…..

Aww.. i want a boy to say this to me

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: Not really

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or ur life

Boy: my life

The girl runs away in shock and pain
and
the boy
runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is
because
you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is
because I love
you.

The reason I don't want you is because
I
need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left
is
because I
would die if you leave.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is
because I
would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do
anything for
you is because I would do everything
for
you.

The reason I chose my life is because
you ARE
my life.