when do i feel most precious in his sight?

When he looks at me in the eyes and just make me feel that he’s so sincere to me.

When he tells me that he misses me to be his seatmate in the jeepney.

When he talks to me and do some lame pauses and just stare at me.

I especially love it when he stares at me and waits for me stare at him back.

When he pulls out some corny jokes for me to make me laugh.

When he asks me if I’m ok or if I’m feeling right.

When he carries my bag even if I still can carry it by myself.

When he takes me home and tells me to call him back if I’m already inside the house.

When he holds my hands so tight that my hands couldn’t breathe anymore.

When he carries me when I’m already too tired.

Who feels insecure when I’m with other guys.

Who makes sure that I didn’t miss my meal time.

Who knows what I really feel even if I’m not telling him.

Who will really cheer me up when the world around me is falling apart.

Who calls me at night just to check up on me.

When he makes the children sing for me a birthday song during his lesson time. ( that’s the most sweetest thing that a guy has ever done for me.)

Who makes me feel so safe no matter what.

Who takes me for a walk when I needed some time to think.

That even if a lot of people are telling negative things about me he will still defend me because he loves me.

Well I still do have a lot in my mind. You might think that this guy would just appear in a fairytale for girls in my age. But that’s the things that I’ve been asking to God, to make my perfect Mr. Right just like the man that I wrote here about. I know that God would grant the desires of my heart, well of course I still have to obey Him and wait for the time that He will make all of this things happen. You might think that I’m still too young to think about these things but you can’t blame me, I’m a teenager who has emotions, and of course I do have my STANDARDS for choosing my perfect Mr. Right. It’s probably ridiculous for me to write about this things but I just can’t help it. One of the person that I look up to, once said to me, that if you have standards for choosing a guy, you wouldn’t easily fall for anyone. Well I guess she’s right. Thanks to her and of course to my best friend (God).

what?

Things in this world are quite a big reason to make us crazy. Here I am writing myself out. About the things that are occupying my mind right now. I feel nothing, but it turns out I’m going to feel that I’m scared and afraid. Then I would feel empty all of a sudden. I mean what kind of a sick person am I to feel this kind of things? There are times that I am just so confused about everything and there are times that I just feel that I’m so sure about a lot of things. Do the doctors have the right to call me crazy because of these things? I mean what are really the things that can qualify you as a crazy person? Some say that when you feel you’re crazy, maybe you’re just in love, but it’s not a good enough reason to be crazy just because you’re in love. My! I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I feel betrayed and don’t even know why. Maybe I am crazy, but the mere fact, just because I’m in love is not enough for me to be a good reason to be. I wanted something to mean a lot, I just don’t know what. How do you make something so important to you? How do you? Why do things in the past still haunt us up to this day, up to the present day? Why does someone feel so special? So many questions, but don’t know where to get the right answers from. So many aspects in life to learn about, but where do we learn it? and do we remember it? Everyday we pass to different kinds of people, different kinds of faces the moment we walk out our doorstep form our house. Lot’s of different people, a lot of different kinds of lives, problems, happiness and a lot of other things. Sometimes I just wonder what really is happening to each and everyone that I cross paths with. I mean I’m not God but it kept me wondering about life. I know that I’m not the only person that is experiencing the things that I’m experiencing now. I just want to know the real things. The word “reality” to me, sometimes it just scares me off, but I don’t even know why. Or sometimes aren’t we scared on what is out there for us? What the future is holding for us? What are the real things that keep us going on in life? Is it the things that are really dear to us? Well maybe because that’s where you get your inspiration from. I wanted to make the people realize that “no man really is an island”. We can’t live alone in this world and just wandering about the things in life! We need someone to be there for us, to understand us, and the one who will stand by our side no matter what. Maybe for now you have those kinds of person’s in your life, maybe it’s your friends, family or maybe the one that is very special to you, that special someone. But what’s my point here? All I’m saying is we can be crazy, we can keep wondering about life, we can ask a lot of questions about life, we can be scared and be excited about reality or we can keep asking God about the next things to come to us. But it all ends up having someone, I mean I’m not saying that when you find that someone that’s it! You’re life can already end, no! All I’m saying here is maybe we do have a lot of questions now, but I believe that every person is entitled to have someone for them for the rest of their lives. So once you find that someone, believe me you can be complete in life, you will feel complete finally! After a long journey in your life, you won’t have to cherish it alone anymore, but there will be someone that you can celebrate it with. But what if right now you still don’t have that someone? What if you still haven’t found “the one” Well right now I’m encouraging you to cling to God believe me He is more than that someone, He can sustain you as you we’re waiting for that someone. So WHAT if you still doesn’t have any?! Oh please!! Just enjoy you’re life right now, enjoy a life that is abundant and that is really blessed by God. Believe me it’s not just worth waiting, but the thing that you do while waiting is really worth it.

to be there for me

I need someone, I want someone, I see someone. But someone like what? How do we really say that we need, want and see someone? How do we? Me I know my own things. I want someone to be there for me even if I’m not saying or acting that I need him. Someone who know things, not just the literal things, but someone that see things the way that I don’t see it. Who notices things, and knows what to do, not even the right things, but for him anything can happen. Someone who is really strong and that he will be the one to take charge of everything. Who really stands for what he believes in. that just doesn’t love but is really sincere and serious about the things that are need to be focused on. Someone who knows right from wrong. Someone who wouldn’t aim for the perfect relationship, but would rather aim for a great relationship in a million good ways. Someone who wouldn’t promise not to make me cry, but someone who would promise to always wipe my tears away. I need someone who would never leave me despite of the hardships that we will go through. Someone who chooses to be with me, even if he is far away, he chooses to be with me even he needs to be somewhere else but instead he choose to be with me he wanted to be with me. I need someone not just to give me a coat when I’m cold but he would also hug me and ask me to hug him in return because he feels cold too. Someone who wouldn’t just understand me and listen to me but would try to feel what I feel, and would tell me that I can do more than I can ever imagine, that it’s just a thing in the future that I would be thankful about. Someone who would appreciate me more that anyone has. Someone who would be so real to me, tell me things that I don’t want to hear just for me to be a better person. Someone who wouldn’t be afraid to have a fight with me just because he is not confident for what he stands for, but would really say his opinion about it. Someone who would always let me know what is in his mind and wouldn’t hesitate to come to me. Who is really up to the challenge to do things with me. Someone who thinks that he needs me more than I need him, and who’s going to love me for who I really am. Someone who believes in me more than the way that I believe in myself. Someone who would take care if me when I’m sick and wouldn’t leave my side until I’m better. Someone who just don’t say that he loves me and acts that way, but even the people around us would know and feel how much he loves me. Someone who would risk anything for me and would just give everything for me. A person who really knows the true meaning of commitment, love, encourage, affection, victory and eternity. Someone who is more than what he expects him to be. Someone who is going to love God more than he would love me. A person who would really know his priorities and responsibilities. Someone who can be in charge with great things. Someone who would cherish me for as long as we both live. Who would even love me more as I get older, and look forward to the many years that God has in store for both of us. A person that would always be there for me no matter what in sickness and health, in happiness and in sorrow, in wealth and in bankruptcy in up’s and downs, despite of all those things. He will always be the one to stay and the one “to be there for me”.

the smile in my heart

It’s late and I need to go home, everything for the day went out just fine. I was hoping not to have any intrusions that would give me a reason to end my day feeling not so good. I just can’t believe that my day didn’t go out the way that I expected it, I expected it to be a fine enjoying day. I wanted to cry, I feel so stupid, I feel so embarrassed and I feel so, it’s like I’m drowning. Drowning from the things that I feel, it’s like I’m surrounded by a lot of people passing through me, and I just wanted to cry. I feel rejected. I just wanted to cry everything for once. I wanted to ask God, to let me cry, just to let me cry. I know that God is always by my side pushing me but I just wanted to cry. I feel so vulnerable that I can’t understand, or let’s just say I don’t know what to do. I feel so broken. This thing I just ask, I want to cry, I want to runaway. As I was walking to have my ride home, I just can tell that everything around me at that time is a blur. It’s like I’ve been ripped apart for real. I wanted to run as fast as I can, I wanted to scream and just cry myself out. I can’t believe that I was so stupid not to listen to the things that I don’t want to hear before, and now here I am having the worst days in my life. I was so stubborn not to see things the way that God wanted me to. I’m just so tired of having my heart being disappointed every time, I’m loosing hope. I don’t know where to go from here. My heart it feels like I’m getting a thousand heartaches at the same time. I lost the smile in my heart and I don’t know where to find it anymore. The rush of a thousand waves are just coming at me and I don’t know how to run from it, the only I can do for now is to let it come to me and crash me. But it doesn’t seem right, it’s unfair to just let it crash on me, I’m tired if getting hurts just because I let it. The tears in my eyes just can’t help to fall and fall. Do I need to let go of the things that are making me feel like this? I’ve been miserable. I wanted to have that smile again in my heart, but I don’t know how to put it back just as easy. Everything has its own time as they always say, but with this when will it be? When will be the time that I could accept everything, that I could accept things that is hard to accept, the things that I’m supposed to see it? My heart keeps beating and beating, don’t know for whom. We were supposed to have two heartbeats one is for us and the other one is for the one that we would love truly. My heart made another beat for someone else so many times. It’s getting a little tiring to always at first have a very heavenly smile in my heart then after it, would just loose everything that is in me, would loose that great smile that I thought would be forever, but I guess not. The smile in my heart suddenly faded away and gave a sad cry for someone that I can’t even remember how I fell in love with, that it just proves that everything happened all of a sudden, everything happened so fast. That I didn’t even realized that the smile that in my heart at that time is the smile that we are all supposed to be afraid of. The smile that would suddenly turn into something that we would hope and wish that would have never come to cross us.

pursuing someone

Oh my, I just got more confused. It’s just when everything is going well, everything is doing good then suddenly it just got more complicated. What am I saying here? The truth is I don’t know either. These were the exact words that cam out from someone, “I want to pursue a relationship, there’s this girl…” oh my! Just when everything in my life is starting to be better for good and then all of a sudden this? I just don’t know what to really see. I wanted to know what it really is, I just don’t know how. I want to have a better, no, perfect life, but not so perfect reflecting in me, everything was just falling into place, and then this? Do you ever felt like you wanted to know everything and wish that you wouldn’t miss anything out? Ever felt like thousands of waves are crashing on you and you just can’t fight it off? I mean, I don’t even know anything about the thing that I wanted to now about, I can’t even fight it or fight for it or even fight it off, as I must say. But I just wanted to be complete, I wanted to feel complete. But I don’t want to think that I can be complete, besides having God in my life is, to think that I can be completed or I can feel complete by someone else, and take note “someone else”. I just wanted to hug this person and stay like that for even a few minutes. The passion of my heart just burning flames, I mean that’s how I feel, explaining metaphorically speaking just to give you an example. I know that at some point it’s not right for me to feel this way, but I just can’t help it. And it kept me safe. Thinking of it, me myself I wanted to pursue that someone, but now isn’t just the right time. I just wanted to be with this person again and just enjoy everything, the company. It kept me thinking, what if this could work what if God can or would allow it, would I still grab it or finally make a decision to walk away from it? Oh! How I just hate the way that I think of things especially when I see reality. Pursuing someone, what does that really mean? And I mean the real meaning when you apply it to someone’s life. Pursuing someone.. hmmm.. I guess it’s about going after a thing that is walking away from you, or maybe asking something about a serious matter in a serious way. Maybe it’s like you want something that you’re hesitant if you can have it or even if it wants you back. I mean in a romantic way, pursuing someone is you’re like sure about the things that you’re gonna do with this person, it’s like having something that you want more than anything.

out of nowhere

What do you really feel when you’re like empty or blank paged? Well me I guess feeling the thing that you are all alone feeling so empty and doesn’t know what’s next or what will be the next thing that will pursue. I’m telling you I’m feeling that feeling right now. And it’s like I wanted to cry and cry but I just can’t. I wanted to crying myself out, but I just can’t and I don’t even know why. I wanted to soar high and fly away as far as I can or maybe even runaway just to feel free and feel enlightened. I just don’t know what is next for me in this life of mine. It’s like there’s a big question mark in me asking about everything that is happening in my life. I mean I just want something back and because of that everything just crushed down and fell apart on me. It’s like I have been ripped apart and I just can’t put back everything together again. I’m experiencing real chest pain.

How can you be someone for someone else? Or do you just be yourself. It just kills me every time I think of the real thing that is happening to me. it’s like I don’t know how to be happy anymore, I wanted to be happy but my heart just can’t, it’s been torn apart. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have never been like this before just because of things that I never expected that would happen. I fell like I’m just spinning and spinning and don’t know when to stop. Like running and running having fast breaths and I just don’t have something to go to, but I just kept running as fast as I could. I wanted to be invincible and fell free to see things on my own.

How am I going to figure this out? Is it just all based on reality, dreams or fantasies? Based on the real life? Do have a lot of things that I’m asking in which me myself cannot answer on my own. Everything is just so confusing, complicated, frustrating, disappointing and many other things that would make you wish things that you would never hope for.. I’m searching for security and assurance about myself, the thing is I expected it from someone else. Everything is just so uncertain. Once someone said in a movie “in life be ready to be surprised”, but what if we don’t want to? What if we’re not ready for some other kinds of surprise? What if there’s just something that you can do about everything? What if there is just.. nothing you can do. You just gotta let fate surround you and stick your heart and mind to reality.. everything is just so complicated..

my thoughts for you

April 25, 2008

I just couldn’t take it anymore, I just couldn’t bear the fact that everything between me and him is just a complicated past. I wanted to cry out everything, I wanted to just tear my heart out so the pain would go away. I never discerned that this is going to be harder than I thought. I wanted someone to be with me at these times, to comfort me and make me feel numb about the things that are happening. I just couldn’t stand the fact that we can’t be together anymore, we can’t hold each other’s hand, we can’t hug each other when every time we want to, we can’t kiss each other good mornings and good nights, we can’t tell each other anymore sweet good mornings and romantic goodnights, we can’t tell each other anymore the three words that I’ve been missing to hear; “I love you”, we can’t stare at each other the way we used to be, we can’t sleep in each others arms, we can’t sleep in each others lap when every time we want to, we can’t talk to each other real close can even tell as a sweet whisper, I can’t call you anymore and you can’t call me the way you used to be we cant call each other, we can’t sleep together anymore, we can’t go to my dentist together from now on, we can’t look at each other the way we used to, we can’t pout our lips at each other whenever we wanted to be more sweet and affectionate with each other. All of those things are going to be the things that I can call from now on “our used to be’s”, my heart really aches when every time is see you with someone else, having your laugh’s with them and just trying to have fun with them. Sometimes I see you still watching me and I know sometimes you still want to be with me, I feel the same way too, it’s just that something is trying to pull us away from each other, it’s like a wall is being build in front of us, so that we couldn’t really be together.

A lot of people doesn’t favor us in being together, it’s really just brings pain to my heart, sometimes it’s giving me a big reason to give up. But I won’t give you up, that’s the only thing in which I can hold on to, and that is I will never give you up. You’re the one who made me really true to myself, when I’m with you I can define the real me, I can just express myself the way I really am, when I’m with you I can know my true self. You’ve been a great big puzzle in my life that is really one of the reasons why I’m ready to be complete, why soon enough I’m going to become a great work of art that people would start to really look at and to just start to really appreciate. When we’re together it’s like the shine or the glow that we have within us, it’s like my light reflects on you, and yours to mine. When we’re together we can be the really best that we can be, we bring out the best in us. There is a lot to say with both of us; a lot can be said about the two of us. With you I can dream of us becoming one. I never thought that after everything that happened to me in the past, I never thought that I’m going to end up falling deeper for you, for someone like you. I never thought that I’m going to fall deeper and deeper and deeper, to where I’ve never been before. I admit that during the times that we’re still together I got scared, scared that I’m going to fall in love with you. But I guess fate and God allowed me to, allowed me to really fall for you. If you’re going to look deeper in my heart, you’re really be amazed on how I really feel and how much I’m willing to do for you. I’ve never felt this way before to be really honest. And these time when every time i see you, sometimes I just wanted to hug you and tell you more than a million times that I love you. But I’m not pretty sure that you want to do the same thing too. But one thing’s for sure is that right now I’m going to love you without expecting something in return. This time I’m uttering a promise, A promise that I’m going to love you with all I am and with all my heart, and this time I will keep a promise, I do keep this from now on. . .

letting go

How do you really let go of someone? I mean how do you really do it?

What do you think of while you’re letting go? What do you become after letting go?

So many questions but the truth I do know how to let go of something

It’s just that I don’t know how to let go of something like this that I’m trying to

Just let go? That is it? Even though I believe that in life we humans intend to make our own choices, and that choices are the cause of everything that we have right now. Everything is a choice, even at this thing at letting go of someone. There are some times that we are afraid to make our own choices, we are afraid that we might fail, that we might loose in the fight. But even with the choice of letting go of someone, there are a lot of questions that we would ask first before we weigh what would be the choice that we would choose. Complicated you think? Yes it is really, I won’t doubt it. It is complicated enough to make us a little crazy. Well let’s start how do you really let go of someone? Well let me see, how do you really do it? Well of course at first you would just make a decision a real decision in your heart to really pursue the thing that you want to do. At first you would really try to avoid from this thing or let say this person, because it would really help if we are not around that thing or person anymore. Then after that you would set boundaries to the things that will soon come to you, so that the thing that happened to you before wouldn’t happen again. Letting go is probably one of the hardest thing that you will do in your life, because when you’re letting go it simply means that this thing that you want to is somewhat became dear or special to you. What do you think of while you’re doing it? Well I do some pro’s and con’s when I think of things even though I already made a decision on what to do but still I want to see the good and bad things, just in case. Then maybe you can think of some things that will make you happy and joyful at the mean time while you are settling with things, I mean it’s a suggestion and believe me it helps I a way to avoid thinking of it too much. Actually you can think of so many things while you’re in the process, it depends on who you are and of course you know yourself well than I am so it is still up to you on what you will think. What do you become? Well that’s a tough one. What can I say at first you will miss it but then you will find it soothing to you because finally you are free! You become someone that has been set free from the things that are troubling you, Am I right? On the other hand you become someone who already knows right from wrong with the thing that you just let go. The next time that it comes to you, you will become more careful in going to that place or situation again where you have before. Probably you might be thinking that what if I can’t? Well it is always a matter of choice, but always remember that the choices that you make in your life is the cause of what you will become in the next days to come, the choice that you will make today can really affect you in the future. But I believe that if everything has its own purpose, even the choices that we make in our life has its own purpose. Me? I never regret the choices that I have made in my life, because if I haven’t those choices I wouldn’t be where I am right now. There are times of course that I thought of going back on the past and make the right ones, but this is life that is the beauty of it. But the truth is I’m thankful for the things that happened to me, because it made me stronger, more mature and more excited in my life. So in letting go for someone, at first it will hurt, it will be difficult, it will be complicated and confusing. But still in the end you will be thankful that you made your choice and brought you where you are right now. In everything there is always something to be thankful about, even in the things that you will learn and accept in “letting go.”

breaking the patterns

What are really the patterns? Is it the patterns of this world? Is it our own patterns? Or is it the patterns of other people? What is really the thing or the aspect of the questions I have asked, what are the things that should be broken? Am I even asking the right questions here, yes I think I am. In this generation of mine, I find it really amazing to see my generation to be in a different way, not in a bad manner I mean some are but I mostly see it in a good side. The generation that I belong to is totally different from the other generations, and even if we are different I also believe that God works with my generation in a totally different way, different but really amazing. I mean I know what we kids are capable to do these days even at our young age, but I strongly agree that God works more and we really experience Him in a really powerful way. So what am I saying here? My point is, is that to break the patterns of the past and engage with the present and prepare for the future, well if you know what I mean. The past generation, their patterns are a lot different, the patterns of the world that they came to knew with their generation is totally different from what we have now. The past has their own perspective with them, has their own sense of closure, has their own mind sets on things, has their own conviction, has their own beliefs, and just many other things. But with us now, we do have our own on all of those things I’ve mentioned even for the things that I left out. Actually the truth is each person has their own perspectives, mind set, conviction, own sets of devotion, own sense of closure, own beliefs. There are some that they believe that they are like other people, that they have the same things, well I am sorry for that, but it’s not. The beauty of life is that we are all made unique; we are all different no one was made like someone else. I mean even the twins has many differences right? All I’m trying to say is, everything is different now, and a lot of other things are different from what is before. Some people think that the patterns before are still the same patterns now. Of course not! There a lot of things that some people would question; why are things like that now a days? Well that is because everything now are different, different from what is before. I still believe in God’s grace and sovereignty when it comes to the young people today, but if people would just always think on their own way, I mean I can say that it’s too much. I can guarantee and assure every one that God is working with us individually and everything is always between me and God, or between you and God. You don’t have to think much because we all have God in us, and He is totally working with each and every one of us, I mean this is my own sense of closure. The why did I entitled this entry as “breaking the patterns”? Well because I want everyone to understand that there are things that you think are the patterns of this world, there are some things it would seem that in the eyes of others is wrong, but you know in yourself that there is no sin behind it and that between you and God, He is saying that nothing is wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with something unless it would be the cause of your distraction with your relationship with God. Sometimes there are things that men would think that it is wrong, but that’s when the patterns peek’s in. What I’m really saying here is that breaking the patterns not of God’s but the patterns of men that are already set on their minds. Breaking the things that they assumed up to this day are applicable to young people like me. I’m not trying to up rise a rebellion here, I am just saying what most young people like me thinks of the thing that I’m trying to deliver here. We have our own relationship with God, and He works with us individually. So we just want to break that kind of pattern.