the smile in my heart

It’s late and I need to go home, everything for the day went out just fine. I was hoping not to have any intrusions that would give me a reason to end my day feeling not so good. I just can’t believe that my day didn’t go out the way that I expected it, I expected it to be a fine enjoying day. I wanted to cry, I feel so stupid, I feel so embarrassed and I feel so, it’s like I’m drowning. Drowning from the things that I feel, it’s like I’m surrounded by a lot of people passing through me, and I just wanted to cry. I feel rejected. I just wanted to cry everything for once. I wanted to ask God, to let me cry, just to let me cry. I know that God is always by my side pushing me but I just wanted to cry. I feel so vulnerable that I can’t understand, or let’s just say I don’t know what to do. I feel so broken. This thing I just ask, I want to cry, I want to runaway. As I was walking to have my ride home, I just can tell that everything around me at that time is a blur. It’s like I’ve been ripped apart for real. I wanted to run as fast as I can, I wanted to scream and just cry myself out. I can’t believe that I was so stupid not to listen to the things that I don’t want to hear before, and now here I am having the worst days in my life. I was so stubborn not to see things the way that God wanted me to. I’m just so tired of having my heart being disappointed every time, I’m loosing hope. I don’t know where to go from here. My heart it feels like I’m getting a thousand heartaches at the same time. I lost the smile in my heart and I don’t know where to find it anymore. The rush of a thousand waves are just coming at me and I don’t know how to run from it, the only I can do for now is to let it come to me and crash me. But it doesn’t seem right, it’s unfair to just let it crash on me, I’m tired if getting hurts just because I let it. The tears in my eyes just can’t help to fall and fall. Do I need to let go of the things that are making me feel like this? I’ve been miserable. I wanted to have that smile again in my heart, but I don’t know how to put it back just as easy. Everything has its own time as they always say, but with this when will it be? When will be the time that I could accept everything, that I could accept things that is hard to accept, the things that I’m supposed to see it? My heart keeps beating and beating, don’t know for whom. We were supposed to have two heartbeats one is for us and the other one is for the one that we would love truly. My heart made another beat for someone else so many times. It’s getting a little tiring to always at first have a very heavenly smile in my heart then after it, would just loose everything that is in me, would loose that great smile that I thought would be forever, but I guess not. The smile in my heart suddenly faded away and gave a sad cry for someone that I can’t even remember how I fell in love with, that it just proves that everything happened all of a sudden, everything happened so fast. That I didn’t even realized that the smile that in my heart at that time is the smile that we are all supposed to be afraid of. The smile that would suddenly turn into something that we would hope and wish that would have never come to cross us.